Have you ever noticed the tendency to compare yourself to others? To make decisions about how you are doing based on how others are doing?  And have you noticed that when you do this, you may find yourself feeling like “not enough”?

Comparing is often so habitual, we don’t even notice we’re doing it.  But the effect of this type of comparison is something to take a look at.

Can you remember the last time you felt unhappy with your situation?  It may have been the direct result of a comparison to others’ life situations.  Or, it may have been the result of comparison to the person you think you “should” be, or to the circumstances you think you “should” be experiencing – to an imagined future, or a long ago past.  Have you felt discouraged with your progress on the path to success when you compare it to where you want to be?

It’s always important to strive to live your best life.    It’s important to reflect and see if you are headed where you want to go.  It’s important to evaluate what’s working and what isn’t and adjust your course accordingly.  But beware when you compare to others, or to an imaginary self!

This type of comparison often results in negative emotions.  Some people attempt to resolve those feelings by surrounding themselves with people who are not doing as well as they are, people who are “non-threatening” to their self confidence, and people who make them feel good “in comparison”.  Although this may result in some good feelings, it is short lived and tenuous because it depends on the continual comparison to external circumstances.  More importantly, it limits one’s capacity to be mentored and inspired by those further along the path.

Leaving the Comparison Game

A better solution is to get out of the comparison game altogether.  You can begin to stop using imaginary measuring sticks with which you evaluate your life – the measuring sticks that have “more” at one end and “less” at the other, “rich” or “poor”, “good” or “bad”.

Here are some personal life coach tools for leaving the comparison game:

1)  Be keenly aware of how it feels when you think that you, or your circumstances, are not enough.  Know what it feels like when you have low self confidence and feel discouraged.

2)  When you notice that you have these feelings, also notice your specific thoughts of “less than” or “not enough”.

3)  Identify the imaginary measuring stick that you are using.  See if you can see the arbitrary points along the stick.

4)  Answer these questions:  What if your situation is not better or worse, good or bad, but rather, IT JUST IS?  How might you live if you could only see your present moment and had no reference to better or worse?  Can you just live your life NOW and not worry about measuring up?

5)  Seek to learn about yourself and what motivates you.  Do you really want those particular circumstances or do you want something different for your life?  What do you see in others’ circumstances that you can learn from?

6)  Practice gratitude.  What do you appreciate about your life right now?

There is a whole world of imaginary measuring sticks.  The people that you compare yourself to have their own imaginary measuring sticks that create the same feelings for themselves that you create when you compare.  If you see others’ circumstances as better than yours, you will think that they are very happy and satisfied.   But quite possibly, they are not happy and satisfied, because they are playing the comparison game, too!

Without so much comparing, we free ourselves to grow and learn from all situations.

(Image by Suvro Datta)

Here it is, the end of 2011 and the beginning of a New Year!  It is such a special time of the year, that we are reminded to stay awake to the powerful energy of transition.  It is an opportunity to learn lessons, to let go, to celebrate, and to step forward with intention.  As I do each year, I invite you to join me in a year end exercise.  Relax and reflect with me on the journey of the past year and all it has brought our way.   On New Year’s Eve I will sit down and journal.  These are the questions that I will answer and I invite you to do the same:

FOR 2011:

How have you been challenged?

How have you grown?

What experiences were new for you this past year?

What important lessons have you learned?

What will you let go of that no longer serves you?

How have you been blessed?

Who will you thank?

Take time to mindfully answer these questions and you will be rewarded with the depth and richness of life and inspired to move forward into the New Year with more clarity.

For 2012:

How will you become more mindful in 2012?

What states of being will you cultivate?

How will you most joyfully give your gifts to life?

What are your top 5 priorities and values for life going forward and how will you honor them?

What are your intentions for your health, relationships, career, creativity, adventures and joy in 2012?

How can you love more?

If you take the time to answer these questions, you will be richly rewarded with mindful purpose in the New Year.  And if you share your insights, thoughts, questions, or ideas – we will all be inspired!  Thank you and May you be blessed with a prosperous and joyful New Year!

The Gratitude holiday, Thanksgiving, is upon us.  Time for giving thanks.  But just in case you are feeling a little low on appreciation, let’s make sure we are filled to the brim with gratitude before giving thanks.  Don’t you just love the feeling of appreciation and gratitude?  It really is an attitude, or state of being that feels warm and loving.  So why do we need to be reminded with a holiday?  I’m proposing that we live every day as a day of Thanksgiving as a mindfulness practice.

As a life coach for women, I truly recognize the duty and service that women offer to the world.  They give endlessly to everyone – their children, spouses, parents, extended families, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and organizations, too.  Women are Divinely designed to give.  And we are also designed to give thanks.  But sometimes, because of all the giving, we can become so worn out, it’s can be hard to feel that warm, loving sense of gratitude.  Instead, we may be feeling worried about someone or a situation, and not sure how to help.

If you are having trouble feeling grateful in the midst of all the cooking, cleaning, planning, and caring for others, here are some mindfulness practices to reconnect you with your grateful heart, your divine right to an attitude of gratitude, no matter what is happening around you.

First, we want to give ourselves permission to BE grateful for no reason whatsoever.  That’s right, just be grateful because you choose to be.  Whenever we try to attach the feeling of appreciation and gratitude to an event, it loses it’s spaciousness and expansiveness.  The real sense of gratitude is a warm feeling in the heart, an acceptance and love for all that is – regardless of what you perceive as good or bad in the outside world.  So for example, we may have many problems or none at all, but we can recognize the experience of appreciation for a cold drink of water or a breath of fresh air.  It’s the practice of BEING that we are grateful for.  The moments when we can feel truly alive and present, without judgment or concerns.  So at any moment you can give this to yourself.  At any moment you can enter the state of being by just appreciating a single breath or noticing the freedom of a movement, feeling the energy within your body.

Usually, we are prone to feel grateful when we are out in nature.  We see the beauty and it transports us into a state of just being and appreciating.  Give this to yourself every day.  Revel in the sunrise or sunset, feel the sun on your back, or the breeze in your hair, whatever is present is a reason to feel appreciation.  When I engaged as a life coach for women I often suggest a visit to a beautiful spot in nature, which can bring you back to the grateful state effortlessly.

So many times, we feel anything but grateful because of some challenge we face.  An illness, financial worries, relationship problems.  By switching your focus to the mindfulness practice of being grateful for the very simplest of experiences, you can cultivate and reconnect with a grateful heart.  Being here and now, take a long slow breath in and out, simply noticing the air movement and the relaxation that comes with a relaxing breath.  Focus your attention on your heart and begin to breath in and out of the heart area.   Allow yourself to feel the aliveness in your heart and imagine great warmth and light there.   As you do, bring to mind something that you feel true appreciation and gratitude for.  It could be someone you love, or something natural like your favorite place in the mountains or beach.  When you experience that feeling of appreciation, keep expanding it and nurturing it until it is full and rich and wonderful in the heart area.  This is an attitude of gratitude – no matter what is going on in the world.  Give this to yourself.  Revel in the feeling.  You will begin to feel so full and blessed, that you will know you have much to give and much to give thanks for.

Blessings for a Thanksgiving of Mindfulness Practices for Gratitude!

For many, the holiday season is stressful – time, money, family demands, travel, end of year deadlines – the list goes on. Sometimes experiencing sanity seems like a more reasonable goal than experiencing joy! Then, to compound the matter, we often become overly concerned for the joy of family members, friends, co-workers. Though well intentioned, all this concern tends to put even more stressful energy into the holiday craze, fueling the fires of overwhelm.

Joy is always found within. In the time of holiday parties, fancy decorations, family gatherings – and shopping! – it’s easy to start thinking that joy might be found in something outside of ourselves. But if we look within to experience joy, we can then en-Joy our situations. That is, we can infuse our environment with joy from our own calm, loving center. The joy we cultivate within makes our whole world an enjoyable place. The stresses still exert their pressures, but we meet them with a sense of peace and hope. Read more of En-Joy the Holiday! (or ANY day)

I agree with Jacob Glass that gratitude is the mind’s natural anti-depressant. “Gratitude is spitting in the eye of the ego. It’s throwing a bucket of water on the wicked witch….If you never remembered any other spiritual practice in your life, gratitude would be enough.” (from his new book The Crabby Angels Chronicles“.

In many households, frazzled Thanksgiving cooks (Grandma comes to mind) put out a relish tray to keep hungry but idle hands out of the kitchen. These trays are loaded with goodies, each tucked into its own compartment: pimento-stuffed green olives, whole black olives little ones canstick on their fingertips before eating, radishes, celery stuffed with peanut butter or cream cheese, carrot sticks, equal portions of two kinds of pickles (sweet and dill) so there’s no fighting….

Here’s our recipe for a Thanksgiving relish tray:
A spoonful of Mindfulness
A dollop of Awareness
Equal portions of Family Dynamics and Deep Breaths
Lots of little Inner Smiles
A heaping portion of Blessings
Serve on a platter of Gratitude and Love

TheKitchn.com has some great ideas for updating Grandma’s Relish Tray

If Chicken Little showed up on your doorstep crying, “The Sky is Falling!  The sky is falling!” what would you say?  Would you jump right in and list your woes and fears, or would you help her change her perspective?  A little gratitude can go a long way toward changing perspective, as can helping others.  As part of my commitment to a Mindful Life Community, I will be hosting a FREE conversation titled “Bridge Over Troubled Water – An Emotional Survival Kit for Uncertain Times,” on Wednesday March 18.  I’d like you to be there!

I’d like to know ahead of time what specific emotional concerns the changing times are bringing up for you.  I’d also like to know how you are being called to Be the Change, to be a contribution in your own community right now.