Have you ever noticed the tendency to compare yourself to others? To make decisions about how you are doing based on how others are doing?  And have you noticed that when you do this, you may find yourself feeling like “not enough”?

Comparing is often so habitual, we don’t even notice we’re doing it.  But the effect of this type of comparison is something to take a look at.

Can you remember the last time you felt unhappy with your situation?  It may have been the direct result of a comparison to others’ life situations.  Or, it may have been the result of comparison to the person you think you “should” be, or to the circumstances you think you “should” be experiencing – to an imagined future, or a long ago past.  Have you felt discouraged with your progress on the path to success when you compare it to where you want to be?

It’s always important to strive to live your best life.    It’s important to reflect and see if you are headed where you want to go.  It’s important to evaluate what’s working and what isn’t and adjust your course accordingly.  But beware when you compare to others, or to an imaginary self!

This type of comparison often results in negative emotions.  Some people attempt to resolve those feelings by surrounding themselves with people who are not doing as well as they are, people who are “non-threatening” to their self confidence, and people who make them feel good “in comparison”.  Although this may result in some good feelings, it is short lived and tenuous because it depends on the continual comparison to external circumstances.  More importantly, it limits one’s capacity to be mentored and inspired by those further along the path.

Leaving the Comparison Game

A better solution is to get out of the comparison game altogether.  You can begin to stop using imaginary measuring sticks with which you evaluate your life – the measuring sticks that have “more” at one end and “less” at the other, “rich” or “poor”, “good” or “bad”.

Here are some personal life coach tools for leaving the comparison game:

1)  Be keenly aware of how it feels when you think that you, or your circumstances, are not enough.  Know what it feels like when you have low self confidence and feel discouraged.

2)  When you notice that you have these feelings, also notice your specific thoughts of “less than” or “not enough”.

3)  Identify the imaginary measuring stick that you are using.  See if you can see the arbitrary points along the stick.

4)  Answer these questions:  What if your situation is not better or worse, good or bad, but rather, IT JUST IS?  How might you live if you could only see your present moment and had no reference to better or worse?  Can you just live your life NOW and not worry about measuring up?

5)  Seek to learn about yourself and what motivates you.  Do you really want those particular circumstances or do you want something different for your life?  What do you see in others’ circumstances that you can learn from?

6)  Practice gratitude.  What do you appreciate about your life right now?

There is a whole world of imaginary measuring sticks.  The people that you compare yourself to have their own imaginary measuring sticks that create the same feelings for themselves that you create when you compare.  If you see others’ circumstances as better than yours, you will think that they are very happy and satisfied.   But quite possibly, they are not happy and satisfied, because they are playing the comparison game, too!

Without so much comparing, we free ourselves to grow and learn from all situations.

(Image by Suvro Datta)

Are you a women for whom life is changing or has changed in ways you weren’t expecting? Or are there situations you aren’t sure how to handle, and you are trying to find your way?  Maybe you are facing starting over after divorce.  Or maybe you are grieving the loss of a loved one.  Or maybe you have changed careers or moved across the country.  Whatever it is – it’s a major life transition and you want answers on how to get through.  You know that your own personal growth and spiritual growth are critical to making the most out of your life now. This article offers some tips from a personal life coach for women to help you move through and beyond divorce or other life transition to a life you love – your authentic life.

As a mindfulness coach, I help many women in transition find their way through and beyond difficult life transition.  The focus of our personal life coach work together is meaningful personal and spiritual growth including learning mindfulness practices for more mindful living in order to lead a more authentic and joyful life.

Here are the best recommendations from my work as a life coach for women that you may find very helpful when you are in a life transition.

1) Take time for yourself.  It is time to ramp up the self care during your life transition!  Women are notorious for ignoring their own needs.  The best way to support yourself as a woman in a life transition is to practice excellent self care.  This means caring for all aspects of your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual self.   Give yourself adequate rest, relaxation, good food, proper exercise, meditation, and plenty of support from friends and/or a professional such as a life coach for women.

2) Slow down.  Even though life may be coming at you quickly, and demanding decisions, you will find that by slowing down just a bit, allowing yourself to be more mindful and present, taking time for a few deep breaths , living in the moment – you will make better decisions.  There is no reason to rush into critical decisions that will impact the rest of your life, such as where best to live or work.  Take your time and be gentle with your adjustment process that is natural to life transition.

3) Self acceptance and self love.  Women tend to be hard on themselves and expect themselves to know just what to do and how to fix any situation – perfectly.  This just sets you up for feeling shame or fear about your process of finding your way.  When things fall apart, it takes time to find your way again.  It may look messy for a while as you try out a few ideas or walk around in the fog during a life transition.  You can save yourself a lot of misery by understanding that you are exactly where you need to be, taking the actions you need to take in order to transition to the next part of your journey.  Let it be messy, because it will be whether you let it or not.  Allow yourself to make mistakes by trying things out slowly.  Don’t put everything at risk with each decision, such as moving cross country without living there for a while to see if it’s right for you.  Try things out and don’t worry when it doesn’t work out as you hoped.  This is how we learn!  And you are in a major learning phase of life.  As a life coach for women in transition, I have seen that the growth into self acceptance is the most powerful process for starting over after divorce or loss, to create an authentic life you love.

4) Stay open to possibilities.  To live in the state of possibility means being open to the concept that everything is working out for your good.  It also means you are willing to expect to receive the many good things which are coming your way.  Life is flowing and will carry you along.  You can relax and let go and trust.  You can practice mindfulness, mindful living, and true self acceptance as often as possible.

The good news in life transition, as difficult as it may seem, is that we are designed to change.  We are designed to feel challenged and lost and find our way again. We are resourceful and creative and Life is on our side.

Many women suffer from lack of self confidence and low self esteem and it frustrates them to no end.  They want to do more, speak up more often, and feel better about their presence in the world.  Basically, they want to audition for, and land, the lead role in their own lives!

Often the root cause of lack of self confidence is the messages we received in early childhood, somehow given the message that we are never worthy or good enough.  Since these are things that happened in the past, we can’t change those events.  But, with support for self acceptance, we can heal the wounds from those events.

What needs healing is the emotions that we feel whenever we want to take confident action, but something stops us.  Suddenly, we’re triggered into a place of fear, doubt, or even shame at the idea of stepping up and taking action.  What is often not realized is that  it’s the physical sensations in the body that are aroused from childhood wounds that have never been healed.  The event requiring confident action is the the trigger of the same body sensations you felt as a child when you were somehow made to feel unworthy.  So perhaps when you want to take self confident action, you notice your chest tensing up, or your stomach feeling sickly, or your heart racing.   The body is where we want to focus our attention for healing.

Rather than try to resolve the lack of self confidence on the mental plane – with explanations, justifications, better self talk, understanding, different stories, or new mental imagery – I am suggesting that we face the deeper issue, the physical sensations that come with the sense of unworthiness, low self esteem, or poor self confidence.

The physical sensations that go with the concept of unworthiness are so deep and so unpleasant, we’ll do just about anything not to experience them.  We might avoid any event that would trigger it (don’t even audition for a role in your own life) or distract ourselves from it (I’m really too busy to try out.)  or fight it (I’ll just push through this so other people think I’m brave, while telling myself I’m really a coward).  Fighting the sensation can look like courage sometimes, but sometimes just disguises the fear of feeling the awful feelings of shame and fear.

As a life coach for women I suggest a mindfulness practice I call Awareness of Emotions, which takes you into experiencing the body sensations, pure and void of all the mental judgments and evaluations.  When we can simply observe and experience the body sensations, allowing the body to feel whatever it feels without judgment or trying to chase it away, no matter how yucky it feels, we will begin to grow into true self acceptance.  And self acceptance completely undoes the notion and feelings of unworthiness.  The realization of “I accept myself just as I am,” means you can have whatever body sensations you have without labeling them right or wrong.  We can begin to learn from the body.  It really is just an energy source that wants our attention.  When we no longer fear our own sensations, we will not need to run or avoid or fight to cover them up.  Instead we can enter into the flow of sensations and accept them just as they are.  And as we do that, we discover the reality of an openness, a calm, a Presence that is very loving and peaceful – just waiting to be discovered through our awakening.

We are meant to be free to act, speak, and flow with life without judgment of right or wrong, unworthy or worthy.   We begin to see that all of the judgments are unreal.  What IS real is you, your aliveness, all your body sensations, and your free expression.

Blessings for your awakening to experience true self confidence for women through self acceptance!