Have you ever noticed the tendency to compare yourself to others? To make decisions about how you are doing based on how others are doing?  And have you noticed that when you do this, you may find yourself feeling like “not enough”?

Comparing is often so habitual, we don’t even notice we’re doing it.  But the effect of this type of comparison is something to take a look at.

Can you remember the last time you felt unhappy with your situation?  It may have been the direct result of a comparison to others’ life situations.  Or, it may have been the result of comparison to the person you think you “should” be, or to the circumstances you think you “should” be experiencing – to an imagined future, or a long ago past.  Have you felt discouraged with your progress on the path to success when you compare it to where you want to be?

It’s always important to strive to live your best life.    It’s important to reflect and see if you are headed where you want to go.  It’s important to evaluate what’s working and what isn’t and adjust your course accordingly.  But beware when you compare to others, or to an imaginary self!

This type of comparison often results in negative emotions.  Some people attempt to resolve those feelings by surrounding themselves with people who are not doing as well as they are, people who are “non-threatening” to their self confidence, and people who make them feel good “in comparison”.  Although this may result in some good feelings, it is short lived and tenuous because it depends on the continual comparison to external circumstances.  More importantly, it limits one’s capacity to be mentored and inspired by those further along the path.

Leaving the Comparison Game

A better solution is to get out of the comparison game altogether.  You can begin to stop using imaginary measuring sticks with which you evaluate your life – the measuring sticks that have “more” at one end and “less” at the other, “rich” or “poor”, “good” or “bad”.

Here are some personal life coach tools for leaving the comparison game:

1)  Be keenly aware of how it feels when you think that you, or your circumstances, are not enough.  Know what it feels like when you have low self confidence and feel discouraged.

2)  When you notice that you have these feelings, also notice your specific thoughts of “less than” or “not enough”.

3)  Identify the imaginary measuring stick that you are using.  See if you can see the arbitrary points along the stick.

4)  Answer these questions:  What if your situation is not better or worse, good or bad, but rather, IT JUST IS?  How might you live if you could only see your present moment and had no reference to better or worse?  Can you just live your life NOW and not worry about measuring up?

5)  Seek to learn about yourself and what motivates you.  Do you really want those particular circumstances or do you want something different for your life?  What do you see in others’ circumstances that you can learn from?

6)  Practice gratitude.  What do you appreciate about your life right now?

There is a whole world of imaginary measuring sticks.  The people that you compare yourself to have their own imaginary measuring sticks that create the same feelings for themselves that you create when you compare.  If you see others’ circumstances as better than yours, you will think that they are very happy and satisfied.   But quite possibly, they are not happy and satisfied, because they are playing the comparison game, too!

Without so much comparing, we free ourselves to grow and learn from all situations.

(Image by Suvro Datta)

Here it is, the end of 2011 and the beginning of a New Year!  It is such a special time of the year, that we are reminded to stay awake to the powerful energy of transition.  It is an opportunity to learn lessons, to let go, to celebrate, and to step forward with intention.  As I do each year, I invite you to join me in a year end exercise.  Relax and reflect with me on the journey of the past year and all it has brought our way.   On New Year’s Eve I will sit down and journal.  These are the questions that I will answer and I invite you to do the same:

FOR 2011:

How have you been challenged?

How have you grown?

What experiences were new for you this past year?

What important lessons have you learned?

What will you let go of that no longer serves you?

How have you been blessed?

Who will you thank?

Take time to mindfully answer these questions and you will be rewarded with the depth and richness of life and inspired to move forward into the New Year with more clarity.

For 2012:

How will you become more mindful in 2012?

What states of being will you cultivate?

How will you most joyfully give your gifts to life?

What are your top 5 priorities and values for life going forward and how will you honor them?

What are your intentions for your health, relationships, career, creativity, adventures and joy in 2012?

How can you love more?

If you take the time to answer these questions, you will be richly rewarded with mindful purpose in the New Year.  And if you share your insights, thoughts, questions, or ideas – we will all be inspired!  Thank you and May you be blessed with a prosperous and joyful New Year!

TO DO lists help us remember and get things done.But have you noticed that often these lists are ever present in our minds?We’re always wondering what to do next, what we forgot to do, and what we need to add to the list?

How might it be if instead we were vigilant about a TO BE list?

Be present
Be compassionate
Be peaceful
Be joyful
Be alert

A TO BE list is not a list to check off the way we mark things DONE on a TO DO list, because Being is never done.We use the list to clarify our intentions for the NOW rather than to evaluate past performance.Our TO BE list reminds us of the choices we have every moment and inspires us to always put our best feet forward.In the words of the late Coach John Wooden, “It isn’t what you do, but how you do it.”

Choosing How to BE is perhaps more subjective than choosing What to DO and it’s more powerful in terms of quality of life. For example, charging ahead on a TO DO list frequently results in feeling rushed and overwhelmed, not enjoying the doing. In consciously choosing a state of Being like BE Alert, you will be surprised and enriched as you notice things unnoticed before. Choosing to BE Compassionate, many ordinary conversations become rich and meaningful.

Are you ready to really enjoy Getting Things Done? After all, you’ll be doing things on the list anyway, right? Try lining up your TO BE list right next to your TO DO list. Whenever you decide on the next thing to do, ask yourself “How will I BE in the doing of this?”

For example, if you need to contact a company about an error in your order, how do you want to be as you do it? Open? Relaxed? Understanding? Clear? If laundry is next, how do you want to be in the doing of it? Calm? Mindful? Playful?

Hint: Things like “BE productive” “BE perfect” violate the spirit of the TO BE list. BE careful what you choose to BE!

Wishing you a Mindful Mother’s Day! Whether you are spending time with your Mother, with your children, with your spouse, with your friends, with your pets, at work, time alone, or all of the above, you may find the following meditation practice helpful in experiencing greater joy and peace, no matter what your mothering experiences have been. This practice can be particularly helpful for those who have some pain associated with motherhood, perhaps loss of a mother or loss of a child, or painful relationship issues.

This is the practice of Metta, which means Lovingkindness. What better way to describe the qualities of true mother-nature? Loving…kind…nurturing. To begin the meditation, take several slow deep breaths and let go of mental and physical tension on each outbreath. Make a conscious choice to set aside judgments, release all past stories about being a mother or having a mother and embrace the qualities of this meditation, even if it is just for now.

This abbreviated version of the original Metta meditation is simple, sweet, and powerful. We start by mothering ourselves, blessing ourselves with lovingkindness so that we have lovingkindness to share.

Slowly and peacefully, say silently or out loud:

May I be safe.
May I be happy.
May I be well.
May I be free.
Read more of Mother’s Day Mindfulness Meditation

Because of human conditioning to be mentally ‘anywhere but here’, we find it isn’t easy to simply be present. But when we can have just one moment of acceptance of ‘what is’, one moment of internal silence, one moment of mindfulness, one moment in the Now, there is an indescribable peace that we recognize as wisdom and truth.

Thursday, April 29 is Poem in Your Pocket Day. Here’s the one I’ll be carrying:

‘Tis a gift to be simple,
‘Tis a gift to be free,
‘Tis a gift to come down
Where we ought to be
And when we find ourselves
In the place that’s right
‘Twill be in the valley
Of love and delight.

–Nineteenth-Century Shaker Hymn

What’s your favorite poem?

“Most people have heard of protons, neutrons, and electrons – the subatomic particles that compose atoms (there are actually many, many more particles) – but they don’t realize what they look like and how far apart they are. If a proton were the size of a grape, then an electron would be smaller than the thickness of a hair and approximately two miles away from the proton. That’s how much space is between them inside an atom, and atoms are what your body is made of. At this quantum level, reality is mostly empty space… we are mostly empty space.” David R. Hamilton, Ph.D.

Inspired by the words on my tea bag today: Where there is love, there is no question.

Got Goals? Stay motivated by focusing on your values and intentions!

We are all values-driven, meaning we seek to live a life that is aligned with our most important values.When you set a goal, make sure achieving it will be an expression of your deeply held values.First, identify your highest values.Then, determine how each of your goals will be an expression of your values.

For example, if your goal is to own a home this year and you highly value relationship, personal growth, and leadership, consider all the ways owning a home aligns with your values:Will it enhance your relationships?How does owning a home support your personal growth?Will achieving this goal provide opportunities for leadership?By tying the goal to as many values as possible, you add strength to your motivation.On the other hand, by doing this exercise you may discover that the goal does not align with your vision of your true self!You may also get a clearer picture of goals you do want to attain. Read more of Values-driven motivation – Mindfulness & Goal Setting